Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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