look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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