Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
