Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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