Wipe that smile off your face.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
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I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.