but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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