I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
