i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
