What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
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he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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