So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
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Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.