I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
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HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????