My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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