Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
