i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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