Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
