Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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