my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.