So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way