I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
