she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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