1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
