i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
