So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I am morally bankrupt
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
