: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory