if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
My pussy is not your playground.
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I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
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And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.