you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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