Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
