Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
