I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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