we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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