I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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