trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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