oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
