I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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