I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt