So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
