I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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