hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
time to smoke my breakfast
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
