I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.