you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
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When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He may not be good for my soul but heโs great for my vagina!
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