woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
is that a dick in a sweater?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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