One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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