I think I died a long time ago.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her