I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”