You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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