Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize