Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
