Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
