so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
