Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
