im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
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That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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