I think my fart just growled at me.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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