you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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