how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
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He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.