All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!