she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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